If you homeschool one child (like me currently), this post may not be for you. However, if you have multiple students in your homeschool, (like I used to), this is directly for you.
In our former life, our oldest daughter went to both public and private school, while her little sister was in part-time daycare or home with me. When we decided to homeschool, and I brought them both home full-time, we had some adjusting to do! I remember during that first month at home (before we had started any formal instruction) my oldest daughter asked me who she was supposed to play with. I pointed at her little sister and she looked at me like I was crazy. She already had the school mindset that people should be grouped up with other people their age. I have worked hard to dispel that thinking over the years, pointing out that my mom friends and I are wildly different ages. Being the same age is not what makes us friends. I'm happy to report that both of my grown daughters have friends of all different ages today.
Over the first few months of being home together, my girls did learn to play together and even became friends. It was so special to watch. Did they also spend time with kids their age? Of course! The thinking that "siblings have to fight" is so wild to me and as homeschool families, we have the power to help foster better relationships between our children.
In fact, I would say that helping our children form positive relationships with each other should be one of our MAIN jobs. It is certainly of more lasting importance than anything in a workbook.
Over the years, we have been to playdates at various homes. In some homes, my girls have come home marveling at how nice the siblings in that home were to each other. In other houses, they have come with wide eyes to tell me of how horrid the children in that household treated one another. They have witnessed biting, scratching, punching, severe name-calling, etc. all with no adult intervention or concern. It was business as usual.
So how do you do it? How do you homeschool multiple kids and make your children friends? Here's the short answer: you can't. But you CAN insist on proper treatment of each other and set up systems to foster better relationships. It is something that will take time, but the results will be so worth it.
Do you know a family whose children treat each other with respect? Ask the parents how they did it.
Have a discussion with your spouse about it. You must both be on the same page.
Have a family meeting. Tell your children that things are going to be different. Tell them that you are sad about the way they have been acting toward one another when you see them be nice to their friend groups but mean to one another. Tell them it stops now.
Be prepared to mediate. If a child comes tattling, you must stop what you are doing and listen. Are their feelings hurt and they just need you to hear that? Or were they truly mistreated and the offender needs to be dealt with? Call both children together, if needed, and talk it out. Yelling, punishing without knowing the facts, etc. will not help here. Be calm but firm. Discuss the actions and reactions. Remind them what you DO expect, not just what you don't want to see.
Practice!! If your children have established patterns, they have to be broken. They don't know another way to relate to each other so you have to teach them. Have family night and you and your husband or older children can act out scenarios for the younger ones. They will think it's silly and fun. but they will be learning too! One adult can pretend to be playing with blocks while the other one knocks them down. First, act like your children used to act--fighting, tattling, etc. Then, re-play the same scenario and handle it the correct way. Model, model, model.
What are the triggers? Is there always a fight when the older brother tries to do an activity and the little siblings mess it up? Avoid this! Allow the older child to close the door in a room to build his Lego creation, or the older sister to work on her art. It's completely fine to say, "You may not bother her right now. " Set a timer. Allow so many minutes of alone time each day.
Is there a certain toy that always causes fights? Shelve it for a while. Set your house up so that the kids have room to play with some space in between them. Set up a reading corner, a small table for coloring, playdough can stay at the kitchen table. Have areas for certain activities so everyone can choose to be together or apart. We made cardboard dividers to use at the dining room table during school. A little personal space is needed at times.
Do family things all together. Not just watching TV, but actually spending time together. Brainstorm activities that you all can do and spend time often together. Praise the kids whenever they do something nice for each other. Praise them when everyone is busy and not fighting. They will feel proud of themselves and realize they like getting along.
Avoid always blaming and being hard on the older child. Avoid always feeling sorry for the middle child. Avoid babying the youngest child. You really must have a "we're all in this together" mentality. We are a family. We take care of each other. Hug often. Teach your kids to hug each other.
Meet individually with each child to hear their complaints about their siblings, out of earshot of everyone else. Listen to their concerns and frustrations. Brainstorm with them ways to make those relationships better. What can you do for your brother/sister this week? I can't wait to see you do that! Build them up. It's not a tattling I'm-here-to-collect-intel-about-your-siblings session, but rather a time for them to be heard and for you to help them solve problems.
Change room arrangements often! If two children share a room and one has their own, move roommates now and then. (Unless you have a lone girl or boy child! They get their own room after a certain age.) Change who the kids sit by in the car or at dinner. Make sure they each spend time with all the siblings.
There is not a single piece of curriculum out there more important than fostering good relationships among your children. Make time in your school day to work on it. Set your house up to foster it. Be intentional and speak about it often with them. In some cases, you are working without a script because these things were not done in your house growing up, but you can do this. It's important. It's part of educating our children at home.
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